For fun - Jokes, anecdotes and articles which may amuse!
We believe that God is a God of joy, fun and laughter. Here is a collection of jokes and anecdotes which we hope you will find at least mildly amusing!
A mischievous boy was asked by his mother, How do you expect to get into heaven? He thought for a moment and said, Well, I shall just run in and out and keep slamming the door until they say, For goodness sake come in or stay out! Then I’ll go in.
"Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it..."
For better or for worse, The World Cup is here. Here's some classic
lines
spouted by various experts in their field....
- "The World Cup - truly an international event"
- " A few question marks are being asked in the Honduran defence"
- "You've got to believe that you're going to win and I believe that we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out..."
- "I'm not a believer in luck..but I do believe you need it..."
- "I think there was a moment of cool panic there.."
- "Let's close our eyes and see what happens..."
- " If history is going to repeat itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again..."
- "Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs..."
- " I don't think that there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradonna"
- "We've got to win tonight, or we've not got to lose. So really we're playing for two results..."
- "A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliché"
- "That's the 34th time he's played for his country here tonight.."
- "You feel if Chile could just organise, they could hammer Austria nil-nil.."
- Interviewer: "Did you underestimate them?"
Bobby Robson: "No...but they played better than we thought..."
Heaven - a Guide for Travellers
The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving,
and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and
yet remain prosperous.
One day a friend said: “We can’t understand it. You give far more than
any of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give.”
“That’s easy to explain,” the farmer said; “I keep shovelling into God’s
bin, and God keeps shovelling back into mine, and God has the bigger
shovel.”
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?
It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them. Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees. "Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently. Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet? Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
As everyone was leaving the church, the Pastor noticed a young boy in the hallway, looking at a number of pictures on the wall. He said, "Well, hello, young man, how are you today?" The boy said, "Oh, fine." The pastor said, "I see you are looking at the pictures on the wall, do you know who the men in those pictures are?" The boy said "No, who are they?" The pastor said proudly "Well, son, those are pictures of the men in our congregation that gave their life in the service". The boy replied, " The 10 o'clock or the 11 o'clock service?
The minister of a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the minister, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the minister saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well, pastor", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead."
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up in the dictionary!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald, called "Whats's the Point?"
Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I keep dreaming I wrote "Lord of the
Rings".
Doctor: 'Oh dear! You must be Tolkein in your sleep again."
We lost my dog"
"Why not put an ad in the paper?"
"Don't be daft - it can't read!"
